Day 8: Positive Drug Screens

This shit makes me giggle. And we've heard ALL the excuses. So here we go:

Top Ten Excuses Why Your Shit Came Back Positive:

10.  "It's  positive for cocaine because I just ate a Big Mac with a poppy seed bun". 

9.  "My boyfriend blew pot in my face". 

8.  "Your drug screens don't work...but I'd be willing to do a hair follicle...if you have a Court Order..." AND "Your drug screens aren't FDA approved so I refuse to do one". 

7.  "There was cocaine on one of my dollars at the strip club". 

6. "I gave a guy a blow job and he had just done coke". (This had to be verified with our contracted lab...I bet that was a fun phone call to make. p.s. Not possible turns out). 

5. "I smoked a blunt with some random and they must have laced it!" or "I was in da club and set my drink down cause we was grinding on this chick and someone must have slipped me something!" or "He must have put cocaine in my coffee...right before he threw that brick through my window!". (This is usually said with a wide eyed innocent face). 

4. "I had a cold and so I took some Tussin DM and Mucinex and that's why it's positive for heroin...that can happen...I googled it". 

3. "I didn't know that cocaine could be passed on to the baby when you're breastfeeding". 

2. "I did cocaine before I knew I was pregnant...oh and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was like seven months along!" (Clients get really quick with their math skills when drug use is involved). 

1. "You guys made it positive because you want to take my kids so you can get your bonus check!" (Wtf...)

Thank you co-workers for sharing. I will miss all you guys so much. But that's ALL I will fucking miss.