1. Don't show up with an attitude. Because guess what!?! The
Sheriffs Department is right downstairs and those boys can hustle up to the
second floor like nobody's business. So go ahead and get in my face. It's fun
to see.
2. Repeat after me..."Yes, Your Honor". It's not
"dude", "brah", "Mr. Judge" or something equally
stupid. These are people who went beyond the 8th grade. Respect that shit, k?
3. Please do not say the phrase "See what had happen
was..." There is a court reporter in the room. You are now forever
immortalized as the jackass who began a sentence with "See what had happen
was".
4. When the Judge asks you if you have any corrections or
additions to my Preliminary Inquiry Report (that I had to bang out in one
fucking day), do not take this opportunity to be Ms. Polly Spell Checker.
That's not the question. Did I get your kids' birthdays right? Do you even know
your kids' birthdays?
5. Don't be a dick. Because after eight years, I have
perfected the subtle art of being able to strategically roll my eyes and
express my distaste of your evil lies and ways with body language. When I
drop my pen and cough, that means "Your Honor, this motherfucker is a
bullshit fuckhead".
6. Dress like you're going to church. Not da club. Nobody
wants to see dem titties in Court. Put dem away.
7. If you have an attorney, by all means bring that person.
But for all that is holy, do not LIE about it. Court doesn't wait for pretend
people.
8. After Court, there is a little piece of paper that will
be mailed to you with "Court Orders". These are not
"suggestions". These are things you need to DO to get your shit
together. Read them. Learn them. Live Them.
9. We are all for a "family support system" and
your extended family is welcome to come with you, however this is not the time
for a family reunion with matching t-shirts. And if Uncle Gary has a slight
drinking problem and a bad case of Terets, be sure to leave Uncle Gary at home.
10. Fight for your children. That. Is. Why. You're. Here.
And that is the only thing you need to think about.
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