When I first heard about the Whole30 diet/fad/horrible idea, my
first thought was “No alcohol? No thank you”. Then one sunny September morning
after a night fueled by too many cocktails and a hillbilly fire in the
driveway, I (half-jokingly by the way) mentioned to Ted that we should try
it. Ted got out his iPhone calendar and suggested November 1st as
our start date. “Fuck it let’s do dis” I thought. That
was far enough away to start researching and planning and pinning and and
and…seriously though, no alcohol?
I knew we both needed to stop eating like college frat boys and get
our shit together. I mean, I’m still carrying around the baby
weight…and the baby will be ten (yes, 10 years old) in March. I felt
like ass on the daily from eating processed bullshit, (Hot Pockets!) I break a
sweat walking to the mailbox and I turned 41 years old in October, which is
more than halfway to 80. #Math
Well here we are, Day Fucking 5 (technically should be Day Fucking
9, but I accidentally slipped and fell into a vodka soda during a GNO…what?)
And I have to say, it IS life changing like they say…although maybe for
everyone that means something different.
1. I have a kitchen! And I am spending time in it! Like, more time
than how long it would take to heat up something with cheese on it in the
microwave!
2. Being “hangry” should be approved as a FOR REAL medical
term. Because it is. Those first couple of days were the
worst. I was an angry elf setting alarms on my phone for appropriate
meal times. Dinner at 4:00 PM? Sounds good to me, Sophia, Blanche, Dorothy and
Rose! Old people know what’s up.
3. I don’t think I am an alcoholic anymore! Let’s celebrate! Shots! Shots! Shots! I kinda
always wondered about that after a few drinks. What I HAVE sort of figured out,
is that if you tell me I can’t have/do something, well then hold my beer and
watch this. Classic preschool behavior, I know, but clearly one that
works. “Kathy, you flunked out of IU, maybe we should look at Ivy
Tech…” said my Dad. Four (ish) years later, guess who got their IU Diploma and
mound of debt? Yup. This girl. See? Sometimes this mentality works!
Soooo I guess I just miss the “choice” of having a cocktail…or
ten. But I am pushing through just to see if I can (Spoiler Alert: I
will by the way).
4. Awhile back I thought I had asshole
cancer. Seriously. If you too, think you have asshole cancer, might
I suggest just a few days doing Whole30? Because it will make the asshole
cancer go right away, if you know what I mean. Enough about
that. But I would hope that if I DID die of asshole cancer, people
would laugh at that because I am kind of an asshole.
5. Sugar addiction is a real fucking thing. And it’s
everywhere. Ev. Ery. Where. You’ve got
your sugar, sucrose, fucktose, dicktose…pretty much everything that ends in ose
if off limits. Goddam GUM is off
limits. I chomp ice like it’s my job
around here.
6. Water. I think I am
actually hydrated for once in my life.
This way of eating makes you thirsty as hell. I’m not saying I have marijuana cottonmouth
by any means, but I seriously have been enjoying the shit out of the new fridge
ice and water maker. I am also aware of all bathrooms within a five-mile radius
of my house. Depends underwear kinda sounds nice sometimes. Peeing your pants is cool!
That’s about it off the top of my head. I don’t think I’m far enough into this deal
(that’s what she said) to completely grasp the overall effects this will have
(DAMN YOU GNO VODKA!) but I HAVE to stay on it to feel the Tiger Blood,
right?!? (little Whole30 humor there for ya). K bye.
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